The Indian Penile Code of Conduct

India has had a long lineage of some astoundingly dumb politicians. One after another, through their actions and their words they have set newer benchmarks of foolhardiness. One such veteran of this brigade is the guy who had the audacity of releasing a lyrically dysfunctional song-Irade Lohe Hai, Man se hai Mulayam. The absurd idea of putting your own name in a song was incepted and then nurtured by Sri Sri Honey Singh, but its true worth only realized by Shri Mulayam Singh Yadav.

Nonetheless, with this song, Mulayam Singh has come the closest in dethroning MDH Masala’s 91 year old poster boy in a quest to "Hey no one anyways cares about us so let’s blow our own trumpet and give them a reason to hate us! "

If the song wasn’t an adequate proof of Mulayam’s acute brain dysfunctionality, he recently went on the record saying, boys will be boys and hence if convicted of rape, should be forgiven.

The hysteria reached a new height when another Samajwadi Party Leader, Abu Azmi said that all those women who have sex should be hanged!

PS- Abu Azmi is Aisha Takia’s father in law! Some ironies simply crack me up.

All those men who went into oblivion on hearing Aisha Takia’s name, come back! Yes we all realize she is a true asset to bollywood in every sense of the word but we have her father in law to talk about.

So Abu Azmi’s comments if you are to take them seriously, does make you ponder over a few things.  Now that women should stop having sex, that leaves men an option to

1. Have sex within themselves in which case they directly stand to offend the section 377. The only section of the constitution which in any way deals with the Aam aadmi’s lesbian fantasy
2. Or well….have sex with themselves. Which is like watching reruns of Friends or Andaz-Apna-Apna . You, have done it innumerable times, you do it when you get bored  and you enjoyed it every time you have done it but somehow at the end of it you say to yourself,” Boy, I really need to move on! “

Considering that the first option is criminal in nature and since crime can only be committed if you are a politician, actor, bureaucrat, cricketer, godman, or a son, daughter, spouse, nephew, niece of a politician, actor, bureaucrat, cricketer, godman,  all we are left with is the second option.   

It’s ironical that an SP leader should advocate it because if anyone, it’s their elephantine opposition leader who had been so busy all these years in statutory masturbation. Statutory because it involved statues (aah! the word-play) and masturbation because it involved erection and self-pleasing. So yes Mayawati did erect her own statues in an attempt to delight herself. Whichever way you expound it, it eventually boils to the idea that SP might as well be a B team of BSP, promoting their cause in disguise which again puzzles me, because it would have been easier for BSP to play the role of a B team owing to its party initials. 

Pardon my B-team theory but with the political clamor around where the words like b-team, secular, incumbent are being used at a speed of Jupiter’s escape velocity, it was only a matter of time before they crept into my writing. Talking of B-teams, one cannot pass by without mentioning our ever so talked about Rohit Sharma of Indian politics, The Aam Aadmi Party.

Everyone sees immense potential in them, thinks that they are the next big thing but when it comes to execution, they seem to believe in cameos more than in a marathon innings. Sadly, they now stand a chance of getting pushed into obscurity and by their own self destructive means a chance of turning their entire political film reel into a farce, a comedy. And if latest reports are any indication, their preferred genre seems to be slap-stick comedy! But say what you may, with AAP I feel we finally have the ABC of Indian Politics in place. AAP, BJP and Congress. Earlier all politics seemed to me was BC.

But I'm digressing. The paramount need of this country, even greater than the outcome of the game of thrones this nation is currently into, is the need for discipline. A need for all the men of this country to follow a code of conduct. Quite recently a famous journalist, chief editor of a popular magazine was accused of attempt to rape. Turns out his daughter was well aware of her father's misdeeds and had once advised him, quite blatantly, to keep it in his pants!

In our country, where the first rule of sex is that you don't talk about sex, a daughter was gutsy enough to say this to her father. There itself is your penile code conduct. Learn, for god's sake to keep it in your pants!

After all if there is one thing we men can do, is to not get unnecessarily hard and learn to keep it Mulayam!